In the world of narcissistic abuse, the term “flying monkeys” refers to individuals who are used by a narcissist to carry out their manipulation and control. Much like the Wicked Witch’s flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, these people act on behalf of the narcissist, often unknowingly, to harm or control the narcissist’s target. Understanding who flying monkeys are and how they operate is essential for anyone navigating relationships with narcissists.
What Are Flying Monkeys?
Flying monkeys are people who enable a narcissist’s abusive behavior by taking sides, spreading misinformation, or reinforcing the narcissist’s narrative. Often, they are close friends, family members, or even coworkers who may not realize they are being manipulated by the narcissist. However, their actions can amplify the damage done to the narcissist’s victim.
Common Ways Flying Monkeys Operate:
Spreading the Narcissist’s Lies: Flying monkeys often share the narcissist’s false narratives, either to defend them or to isolate the victim.
Monitoring the Victim: Some flying monkeys will keep tabs on the victim and report back to the narcissist, feeding them information about the victim’s whereabouts or actions.
Guilt-Tripping the Victim: They may guilt or pressure the victim to forgive the narcissist or return to the relationship, framing the narcissist as the “real victim.”
Enabling Abusive Behavior: By ignoring or downplaying the narcissist’s behavior, flying monkeys help the narcissist maintain their control and manipulation.
Flying monkeys can be just as harmful as the narcissist, as their actions often keep the victim trapped in the toxic cycle of abuse.
Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?
Flying monkeys may act out of loyalty, fear, or because they’ve been manipulated themselves. Narcissists are often very charming and can convince others that they are the real victim in any conflict, leading flying monkeys to believe they are defending a misunderstood or wronged person. In many cases, flying monkeys are unaware of the full scope of the abuse and manipulation happening behind the scenes.
Common Reasons People Become Flying Monkeys:
Manipulation: Narcissists are skilled at twisting the truth and creating confusion. They may present themselves as the victim, making it easy for others to side with them.
Fear of the Narcissist: Some flying monkeys act out of fear, worried that the narcissist will turn on them if they don’t comply with their requests.
Naivety or Denial: Many flying monkeys don’t fully understand the narcissist’s manipulative behavior and believe they are helping a friend or family member in need.
The Impact of Flying Monkeys on the Victim
Flying monkeys can make the victim feel further isolated, misunderstood, and gaslit. Their involvement adds more layers of manipulation and emotional abuse, making it harder for the victim to break free from the narcissist’s control. In some cases, flying monkeys can:
Invalidate the Victim’s Experience: By siding with the narcissist, they can make the
victim doubt their own reality or feel guilty for standing up to the abuse.
Increase Stress and Anxiety: The victim may feel constantly watched, judged, or attacked by people they once trusted.
Prolong the Healing Process: Flying monkeys can make it difficult for the victim to establish boundaries, move on from the narcissist, or heal from the trauma of abuse.
Unique Ways to Handle Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys can be incredibly difficult, but there are strategies you can use to protect yourself and minimize their impact.
1. Set Firm Boundaries
When flying monkeys try to involve you in conversations or actions that benefit the narcissist, it’s essential to set firm boundaries. You do not have to engage or explain yourself. A simple statement such as, “I’m not comfortable discussing this” can be enough to end the conversation.
Limit communication: Keep conversations with flying monkeys to a minimum, and avoid sharing personal details that could be passed on to the narcissist.
Enforce your boundaries: If they continue to push, be firm in maintaining your emotional distance.
2. Don’t Justify or Defend Yourself
Flying monkeys may try to pressure you into justifying your actions or decisions to the narcissist. Avoid the urge to explain or defend yourself. Doing so can feed into the narcissist’s manipulation. Instead of explaining yourself, calmly assert your position: “I’ve made my decision, and I’m moving forward with it.”
3. Seek Support from Trusted People
It’s crucial to surround yourself with people who believe and support you. Flying monkeys may spread misinformation or paint you as the villain, so having a trusted support network is essential for your mental health and well-being.
Build a strong support system: Lean on friends, family, or even a therapist who understands your situation and validates your experience.
4. Detach from the Narcissist’s Circle
One of the most effective ways to deal with flying monkeys is to distance yourself from the narcissist and their circle of enablers. Going “no contact” or reducing your interactions with the narcissist and their flying monkeys can help you regain control of your life and mental health.
5. Protect Your Energy
Flying monkeys can drain your emotional and mental energy. Practicing self-care and protecting your emotional well-being is vital. Focus on activities that help you recharge, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with people who uplift you.
Healing After Dealing with Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys can be emotionally exhausting, but healing is possible. Establishing boundaries, distancing yourself from toxic individuals, and seeking professional support can help you rebuild your confidence and regain your sense of self-worth.
If you’re struggling to deal with flying monkeys or other forms of narcissistic abuse,
Transformation Counseling Services can provide the guidance and support you need to
heal and protect your mental health.
